Fear

I have been handling the pandemic better than I thought I would. I have multiple health problems and a son with bad asthma. I also have severe anxiety and some health anxiety since becoming ill. It was easier to stay calm until it hit my community. Living in one of the hotspots, I find myself…

Ghost

As I’ve been writing about my life in hopes that I can eventually write a book, I have realized that I’m trying desperately to piece all the fragments together. Every sentence I write baffles me... how did I not give up? How is it that I made it through alive, albeit scarred in horrid ways?…

Dream visitor

In 2008, the love of my life died from an overdose. I knew about the demons that he fought but always believed that he would have time to overcome them. We were together for years and he was the first man to ever love me. I never got a chance to say goodbye and I…

Unknown

Sometimes, this feeling comes over me. Overwhelming like I assume waves in a stormy ocean would be. The feeling ebbs and flows, slightly changing with each movement. It starts out as sadness although no tears come to relieve some of the pressure. The waves come crashing to the shore of my soul, picking up longing…

Randomness

I don’t know why I write here. I’m fairly certain no one reads any of it anyway. I guess my online life is as lonely as the real one. The loneliness has been so loud lately, rivaling the cicadas for space in my ears. I’ve spent 20 years raising children to only be an after…

Imagine waking up every morning not sure if you can go to a store, take a shower, eat a meal. When you “push” yourself to get things done or enjoy a day out- you have no idea how long you will flare up for. Chronic illness requires learning the balance between surrendering and fighting. And…

Spirals

I have a love/hate relationship with my anxiety. On one hand, I always have a constant inner dialogue and if it suddenly went away, I think the silence would drive me insane. On the other hand, it’s exhausting being afraid 24/7 for 35+ years now. Everything in my life turns into a game of what…

Realization

It’s really hard being the one who always makes sure everyone else is okay, cared for, and heard. I try my best to ensure everyone I care about knows that they aren’t alone. I check in with people when times are hard for them. Today I have had to face the fact that people do…

Hopelessness

It’s a horrible feeling. I have almost always felt like I have no control over my life, and what happens to me. I try and control the way that I react to everything but even then, it’s dominated by anxiety. I’m sitting outside, waiting for the moment I have to leave and go to one…

surreal

It all began when I was a little girl. The feeling that my life wasn’t real. I think it was a mixture of daydreaming to escape my reality and all the trauma that was forced on me. As a young girl, I dreamt of being someone else- anyone. My daydreams, although varied, always had some…